What is Success?

As Hollie and I drove through the small towns of Eastern North Carolina towards the Outer Banks, we finally had time to catch up with each other again, after a busy season in which we haven’t seen each other much. As usual, the conversation turned to work and relationships. After we’d filled each other in on the latest updates, and dreamed a bit about the future and where we’re headed, we began wrestling (like well-trained divinity students) with what it really means to us to have a successful career and relationships. Neither of us has taken a traditional path towards what society paints as success: marriage, children, and rising up in the ranks of your field towards better paying, more prestigious positions within an organization.

I would love to get married and have kids, but at 38 I still haven’t found the right partner to pursue that with. Hollie is divorced and re-learning what she wants out of a significant other. We both have deep, meaningful friendships with wonderful people in our lives, and we talked about honoring and appreciating those bonds instead of dwelling on the pieces that are missing. We learn something from every relationship we’re in, whether it’s a parent, a friend, a mediocre first date (which I’ve had plenty of), an ex-husband, or a new boyfriend. For us, success might look more like loving all the people we care about well, no matter what title they hold in relation to us. Successful relationships may be the ones which teach us more about ourselves and about life.

As far as career, Hollie has started her own business and pieced together several part-time jobs doing what she loves. Even though she’s her own boss, it’s still hard to explain to others what she does, without one concise title or role. People keep asking her where this is all headed, as if it is a stepping-stone, or a temporary measure until she can find a “regular” job. And maybe she does eventually want to focus on one, concentrated job instead of juggling five (or more) at a time, but for now she is following her passion. For now, success looks like working on her own schedule, from wherever she wants to be. For me, as an Associate Minister for the past 6 years, I sometimes struggle with wanting a more prestigious title and position. I know I have what it takes to be a Senior Minister (or a non-profit director or probably even an immigration lawyer...), but I also know I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. I love what I get to do and the people I work with, the creativity and variety involved in my work, and how meaningful it feels. Career success for us means choosing to do what brings us joy, not what feeds our pride (or our pocketbooks!).

Hmmm...this doesn't look quite right.

And sometimes, success means figuring things out for yourself. When we got to our camp site and started setting up the tent, it took us a few tries to get it right (in our defense, it was a really old tent borrowed from a friend from way back in his boy scout days, not one of these new tents that practically sets itself up).

 

 

Then, we struggled to get the canopy up over our cooking area with just two of us. I had a moment when I really wished we had significant others with us who could help, or at least another set of hands and/or an experienced camper. But when we finally got everything up and situated, it felt really empowering.

 

We had a sturdy tent that kept us dry and sheltered in a windy overnight rainstorm. We had great dining set up and ate like royalty all weekend. We even befriended our campsite neighbors – three young military guys who were even more clueless and much less prepared than us. We fed them, since all they had to eat were some fruit loops and the fish they’d caught (and no dishes or utensils). We also laughed at them a little when they got wet in the rainstorm.

More stories to come about our new friends and the even more empowering feeling we got from hang gliding, in our next posts….