As Hollie and I drove through the small towns of Eastern
North Carolina towards the Outer Banks, we finally had time to catch up with
each other again, after a busy season in which we haven’t seen each other much.
As usual, the conversation turned to work and relationships. After we’d filled
each other in on the latest updates, and dreamed a bit about the future and
where we’re headed, we began wrestling (like well-trained divinity students)
with what it really means to us to have a successful career and relationships.
Neither of us has taken a traditional path towards what society paints as
success: marriage, children, and rising up in the ranks of your field towards
better paying, more prestigious positions within an organization.
I would love to get married and have kids, but at 38 I still
haven’t found the right partner to pursue that with. Hollie is divorced and
re-learning what she wants out of a significant other. We both have deep,
meaningful friendships with wonderful people in our lives, and we talked about
honoring and appreciating those bonds instead of dwelling on the pieces that
are missing. We learn something from every relationship we’re in, whether it’s
a parent, a friend, a mediocre first date (which I’ve had plenty of), an
ex-husband, or a new boyfriend. For us, success might look more like loving all
the people we care about well, no matter what title they hold in relation to
us. Successful relationships may be the ones which teach us more about
ourselves and about life.
As far as career, Hollie has started her own business and pieced together
several part-time jobs doing what she loves. Even though she’s her own boss,
it’s still hard to explain to others what she does, without one concise title
or role. People keep asking her where this is all headed, as if it is a
stepping-stone, or a temporary measure until she can find a “regular” job. And
maybe she does eventually want to focus on one, concentrated job instead of
juggling five (or more) at a time, but for now she is following her passion.
For now, success looks like working on her own schedule, from wherever she
wants to be. For me, as an Associate Minister for the past 6 years, I sometimes
struggle with wanting a more prestigious title and position. I know I have what
it takes to be a Senior Minister (or a non-profit director or probably even an immigration lawyer...), but I also know I feel like I am right where
I am supposed to be. I love what I get to do and the people I work with, the
creativity and variety involved in my work, and how meaningful it feels. Career
success for us means choosing to do what brings us joy, not what feeds our
pride (or our pocketbooks!).
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| Hmmm...this doesn't look quite right. |
And sometimes, success means figuring things out for
yourself. When we got to our camp site and started setting up the tent, it took
us a few tries to get it right (in our defense, it was a really old tent
borrowed from a friend from way back in his boy scout days, not one of these
new tents that practically sets itself up).
Then, we struggled to get the canopy
up over our cooking area with just two of us. I had a moment when I really
wished we had significant others with us who could help, or at least another
set of hands and/or an experienced camper. But when we finally got everything
up and situated, it felt really empowering.
We had a sturdy tent that kept us
dry and sheltered in a windy overnight rainstorm. We had great dining set up
and ate like royalty all weekend. We even befriended our campsite neighbors –
three young military guys who were even more clueless and much less prepared
than us. We fed them, since all they had to eat were some fruit loops and the
fish they’d caught (and no dishes or utensils). We also laughed at them a
little when they got wet in the rainstorm.
More stories to come about our new friends and the even more
empowering feeling we got from hang gliding, in our next posts….
Later on, back at our campsite we met a group of guys
camping next to us who were spending the weekend spear fishing. Their idea of
fun is to go way out into the middle of the ocean, jump into the water (which
also contains barracuda, sharks, and sting rays), and shoot at big fish with a
spear gun while holding their breath deep under the surface. Then, they wrestle
their wounded pray to the surface and into the boat, often while it’s still
fighting them. Will, the most experienced spear fisher of the bunch, said the
key is being able to relax and hold your breath for a long time. According to
him, the trick is to pause at the surface before going under, and take about 30
to 40 slow, deep breaths to get as much oxygen into your system as possible.
This also helps you relax and focus before you dive down. If you just take one
huge inhale and then go for it, you won’t last as long as if you take the time
to relax and breathe deeply before you begin. 
